First Time Trying Dominance And Submission? Tips for Women

First Time Trying Dominance and Submission? Tips for Women

Read your beginners guide to trying dominance and submission and all things BDSM here! Discover essential sex and relationships advice for women thinking about trying some kinky play but unsure where to begin.


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Thanks to the good old Fifty Shades franchise ‘dominance’ and ‘submission’ are two words that have quickly crept out of the shadows.


And, as excited as I am that mainstream sex talks are expanding, a two hour long film isn’t going to give you all the information you need to do this thing right.


So, today we’re going to break down dominance and submission and highlight the two insanely important steps you NEED to get started.


Let’s put some sprinkles on that vanilla ice cream shall we babe?


But First, Why Should You Try Dominance and Submission?


As I tell everyone who visits The Good Sex, regardless of where you’re at in your sex life exploration is GOOD for you.


Trying new things is key to developing your sexuality.


We didn’t come out of the womb knowing our turn on’s and off’s- it takes EXPERIENCE for those things to become apparent.


Dominance and submission is just another way to explore sexuality and discover what feels good to you.


Related: Unsure about this Dominance and Submission stuff? Then scoot on over to my beginners post on kinky play ‘First Time Trying Kinky Play? Here’s What You Need to Know…’


The First Step into Dominance and Submission for Beginners


So, when dipping your toe into dominance and submission the first step is all about you; you need to look inwards and think about where you’re at right now.


This first step is all about getting to know yourself in preparation for this new experience.



key questions to consider when thinking about trying dominance and submission:

What are your hard and soft limits?

Where do your boundaries lie?

What do you already like?

What would you like to explore more?

What does dominance and submission look like to you?


Thinking about where you’re at currently with your sex life and what you’re interested in already is a great place to start from. Once you’re pretty informed about YOU, you should then move onto doing some actual research.


You need to explore dominance and submission as an experience- because if you don’t know the what/ how/ why/ when you won’t be able to give it a go!



The best website to explore when trying dominance and submission


Fetish is an example of a great website to use for research and connecting with like-minded individuals.


Fetish is a dating website for those interested in BDSM but it’s also a great resource for those looking to explore the community; with maps showcasing events and groups in your local area and a chat function for connecting and making new friends.


You don’t have to be ready to date to jump in, you can sign up and slowly inch your way into this kind of play.


Read my full review of Fetish here!


Related: The Kink-Positive Dating Site You Need to Know About


The Second Step You Need to Get Started in Dominance and Submission

This is where the C word comes into play- communication.

Lots of communication before, during and after play is KEY to dominance and submission.

You’ll need to discuss specific activities, the setting of boundaries and limits, interests AND expectations with your partner/s.



How to Communicate with Your Partner


A good way into this chat is by running through everything you’ve learned in step one. Begin by talking about what’s intriguing to you about this kind of play and why you’d like to try it. Then progress to talking about specific interests and boundaries.

Talk at a rate that is comfortable for you and your partner and remember this is a rolling conversation. Don’t expect to have one quick chat, cover all the do’s and don’ts and then be Dom of the year!


A continuous and open dialogue is crucial for fun and safe play. After all, communication is the tool that gives you power and agency in sexual experiences.

Also, although this is step two it might suit your situation to actually blur the lines- why not have a conversation about play whilst you’re still doing your research? Engage your partner/s in your research and then you can really shape your experience together.



It’s all about what suits YOUR sexuality and YOUR sexual situation.

Just remember to be honest with your partner/s in these conversations and actually LISTEN to what they are saying too- otherwise you’ll create an experience that suits neither of you!


Related: Read my blog ‘3 Things You Need to Ask Every Partner Before Having Sex’ for more advice on talking about your sexuality with your loved ones.


Recap: How Do You Get Started in Dominance and Submission?

It takes a lot of exploration- which means digging deep, researching and not jumping into something before you’re informed or ready- and A LOT of communication.

So often people get caught up in the fantasy of dominance and submission *thank you again Fifty Shades* and what they think sex should look like. But actually, what’s important is bringing it back to you. How do you want this experience to feel and be?

Complete these two essential steps and you’ll set the foundation for a meaningful and fun experience!