Discover how to talk to your partner about sex and relationships in a super easy way! Learn the 3 essential questions you need to ask every partner before having sex. It's sex education time ladies!
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So, communication…that old chestnut.
Some people would argue that actions speak louder than words, so who needs good chat anyway?
But to that I stomp my feet and shout- THE FOUNDATION OF GOOD SEX LIES IN COMMUNICATION!
It’s how you get what you want, avoid what you don’t and keep yourself SAFE. It’s how you get to know your partner so you can give them the time of their life.
So, which questions should you be asking your partner before sexy time begins?
What could you ask your partner in order to get to know them better and know what they actually want?
How can you tell your partner what you need to have a rootin’ tootin’ time?
Well, don’t fear Helen Alison is here and I don’t show up empty handed babe! I’ve come up with 3 major questions that will not only support your sex life in getting better and better (knowledge is power after all) but also unlock the door to your partner’s pleasure.
How Do I Talk About Sex With My Partner?
This is all well and good I hear you say, but how do you start this conversation and avoid it being the MOST AWKWARD CHAT ON EARTH?!
Some quick tips for opening up the sex talk with your partner/s:
Firstly, chat in a neutral space- not when you’re about to hop into bed or when you’re in the middle of a sesh.
Secondly, chat in a good frame of mind- be confident, be sober and be open. Don’t be defensive!
Thirdly, listen. If all else fails just ask the question and listen. If you freeze and get super awkward, don’t back away just sit and take in what your partner’s telling you (and try to nod in the right places).
Lastly, build up to the question instead of diving right in.
Your conversation could develop like…
‘Hey did you like what we did last night?’
‘Ok what did you like about it?’
‘What else do you like?’
Examples of How To Talk to Your Partner About Sex
Use a previous experience (‘Remember when…’), this blog (‘hey I read this amazing sex and relationships blog the other day…’), media (‘I saw this show/ funny meme/ facebook post yesterday and thought…’) as access points to start off the conversation and roll from there.
It’s not actually that difficult, but it can be a bit intimidating because we aren’t taught how to talk about sex- we’re actually taught the opposite (silence is golden after all *note the sarcasm*).
However, once you get that first chat under your belt it gets much easier.
You’re basically giving your partner permission to discuss this subject with you; you’re waving a flag and saying ‘HEY I’M HAPPY TO TALK ABOUT THIS WITH YOU!’
And, your relationship will be much better for the openness.
I know for many it’s just sex, and it’s just a chat, but actually it’s about openness, freedom, accessibility and vulnerability. It’s about PERMISSION.
This conversation supports your whole relationship.
So, let’s get onto these important questions shall we?
Question #1: What Do You Want From Sex?
Pretty simple right?
But seriously, when was the last time you actually asked your partner what they want? What they like? What turns them on?
Equally, when did you share this information with them?
And, although super useful and affirming, I’m not talking about those mid-flow, husky voiced ‘I like that’ moments.
This is about intentional conversations away from the bedroom; GROWN UP CHATS.
It seems like women are the masters of oo-ing and ah-ing even when you feel like your insides are being scratched out or you’re being pummelled like a piece of beef in the butchers basket.
We need to change the narrative- believe we deserve pleasure and actually seek it.
However, that doesn’t mean demanding orgasms or doing it til you’re red raw because nothing tangible is happening. It’s about knowing what you want and sharing this with your partner/s in order to make it a reality!
This is the question *your moment to shine* when you can share that you like your toes being played with, you want the lights on for maximum impact and you want to give anal toys a go.
This is also the question where you should be TAKING NOTES because if you set this up correctly- i.e. don’t shame or silence your partner- this is where you’ll find out what actually makes your partner tick. AKA: what you could be doing more of.
Question #2: What Do You Need From Sex?
I know what you’re thinking- didn’t we just have this question?
Well, buckle in baby, what you want and what you need are two VERY different things.
Wants are about your desires; having them met can make an experience pretty amazing BUT they are basically optional. You can have sex without them being considered (YUCK- but still.)
Your sexual needs are what enable you to be active in a sexual experience; they’re what supports you to engage and be present.
Working out what is essential for you to be present, happy and healthy during sex is imperative to your sexual wellness.
Addressing and opening up about your specific wants and needs is important because we all just assume sex is the same for everyone. We assume everyone experiences pleasure in the same way- in, out, shake it all about am I right?
But this simply isn’t true, we have the same bodies but they’re all arranged slightly differently and they can respond to a variety of things and that’s PRETTY COOL- we should tune into that and celebrate it!
We should definitely SHARE it.
Question #3: What Does Sex Mean to You?
Finally, to create a healthy relationship with sex it’s vital you step away from external influences and think about what sex means to you personally.
A good way to start answering this question is by asking a different question- why do you actually have sex?
Do you think you should? Is it for the immediate gratification? To feel close to your partner? To experience affection? To boost your confidence? Is it for security?
It’s a weird thought isn’t it- sex meaning something to you personally.
It’s impressed upon us so often that, universally, sex is either meaningless (it’s just sex) or it’s meaningful (it creates life.)
But there is so much in between these two extremes and it is personal. So take this seriously for a sec.
I think reflecting on this particular question is significant because it encourages you address who and what you’re doing ‘IT’ for. And, actually ensure that this is all for you.
Also, knowing why your partner has sex, what they hope to gain from it and what it means to them will bring a new layer of understanding to your relationship.
Any feelings of incompatibility can be explored through the context of this question.